My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
