One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
