I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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