Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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