It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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