i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
