You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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