So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
