just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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