dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
