You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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