if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
