Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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