I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
