can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
