Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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