dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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