yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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