you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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