Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
