I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
