he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
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did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.