That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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