I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
