I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
