fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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