i would punch a child for taco bell
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
