remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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