i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is