If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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