omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
