Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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