I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
