hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
