I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
