$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
