my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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