the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my phone needs a breathalizer
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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