JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
