I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
