you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
