Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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