i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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