God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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