life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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