I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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