ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
