Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
