If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
foreskin is a definite game changer
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
