Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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