I'm so fucking centered right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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