I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
