ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize