My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
